 |
| |
Testimonial |
|
| |
|
|
| |
"The course gave me
useful tips and taught me skills I use most
days now. This seems to have made a real
difference to our lives - we are all much
happier and more relaxed."
Anna, mother of 3
young daughters |
|
| |
|
|
|
| |
|
| |
Hints
& Tips |
| |
|
|
|
| |
|
Here are some questions that parents frequently ask
us, and our answers to them: |
|
| |
|
|
|
| |
|
Question 1 |
|
| |
|
"My children (7 and 9) hate getting up in the
morning for school. I feel I need to endlessly nag
them, and often end up shouting. Their teacher
reports that they are happy at school so I know this
is not the problem. What can I do?" |
|
| |
|
|
|
| |
|
Answer 1 |
|
| |
|
Mornings are difficult for many families. By the
time the children are dropped off at the school
gates, their parents are so exhausted that they feel
as if they have already done a full day’s work!
Your children are at the age when they could be
getting ready for school independently. However,
they are not trained to do this yet! It is important
to remember that this is not their fault. They
haven’t yet learned to organise themselves and are
probably not aware of the time required to perform
morning tasks. Some children do not even know at
what time school starts and how long it takes to get
there. This often happens when parents take too much
responsibility for what happens in the morning, so
the children learn to wait for the parents to tell
them what to do instead of taking responsibility for
themselves.
You will need to get all adults involved to
structure a realistic routine for the morning, and
prepare your children for this in advance. This is
not easy to do as we naturally want to forget about
anything unpleasant as soon as we can, and just hope
things will be better the next day. However, this
rarely happens! Preparing in advance gets far better
results.
Once the adults have decided what they want to
happen, tell your children that you want to talk to
them about the morning routine at a later time, so
that they will be more prepared to talk . You can
say something like, ‘I’d like to talk to you about
what happens in the morning. Would you like to talk
during lunch or after dinner?’. Look for a time when
they are not hungry, upset or tired.
When you begin your conversations, you can reassure
your children that you are not going to criticise
them, and that you would like everyone to find a
solution to this situation so that you don’t need to
shout anymore. Ask them what would make their
mornings easier, and get them to come up with their
suggestions. Ask about what may be difficult, or may
go wrong, and what can be done about it. Get them to
make their suggestions, then talk about your ideas.
It is important to get children involved in building
the routine, but remember that the final say is
yours! Once you have agreed on what is going to
happen, write it down (or get the children to do
this).
Families come with ideas such as: preparing school
bags and lunch boxes on the night before, preparing
school uniform in advance or getting up a bit
earlier. It is always easier to have something nice
happen after something more difficult, so you can
also have a small non-material reward, such as a
short game, if there is time left after the routine
is completed (you may think this will never happen
in your home, but many parents are pleasantly
surprised).
You also need to accept, and let your children know,
that if they are late for school they will need to
deal with the consequences themselves. Arrange to be
available on the first few days, so that you do not
become too stressed if things get delayed.
In the morning, get up in plenty of time yourself,
and be ready to mention every positive step your
children are doing. Do not expect a 100% success
rate! The more you acknowledge little improvements
to your morning routine, the more improvements you
are going to see. After the first few mornings,
discuss what happened and learn from any mistakes.
Praise every success, and make little adjustments to
the routine if needed.
And do not forget to congratulate yourself for being
a thinking, pro-active parent! |
|
| |
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
|
| |
|
 |
|
| |
|
| |
|
Question 2 |
|
| |
|
"I have asked my daughter (10) whether she had
done her homework and she said she had. I later
discovered that she lied to me. This has happened a
few times already, and I suspect that she has lied
to me about other things as well. When I confronted
her about this she said that I was horrible and that
she hated me. I feel that I cannot trust her and
worry that she will keep on lying and get into
trouble. How do I make her see sense?" |
|
| |
|
|
|
| |
|
Answer 2 |
|
| |
|
I can see your concerns, and the responsibility you
feel towards getting your daughter to be more
honest. There is a way to do this, but it will
require you to be less direct and a bit more
sophisticated about how you communicate with her.
I’ll explain what I mean:
First, I am going to suggest that you look at
honesty as a habit that needs to develop over time
rather than as a moral issue. Children are not born
honest and honesty does not always come naturally to
them. So you will need to ‘train’ her, and the
results are likely to happen gradually.
We all lie from time to time. In fact, sometimes we
are expected to lie in order to make other people
feel better (imagine saying to a friend ‘You look
really fat. And that dress is horrible!’). The lies
that are not acceptable are the ones that people
tell in order to benefit themselves: to get
themselves out of trouble, to avoid doing something
that they don’t like doing etc. This is the kind of
lie that your daughter was telling.
There are several things you can do in order to help
your daughter develop the honesty habit. First, she
needs to have many opportunities to succeed at
telling the truth, and fewer opportunities for
lying, so that she can start seeing herself as an
honest person. She also needs to see you being
honest even when it is not convenient for you. She
needs to know what kind of lies are acceptable and
what kind of lies are not. Then she needs to realise
that you do not believe everything that she says!
The first step would be to reduce the temptation to
lie. Before asking a question, think if there is
another way to get what you want. For example,
instead of asking ‘Did you finish your homework?’
say ‘Show me your homework’. She is unlikely to lie,
because you haven’t given her the chance to do so!
Praise her whenever she does not lie even when
temptation exist. Say, for example ‘I know people
who would have been tempted to lie in this
situation, but you told the truth. You are becoming
more and more honest.’
When you suspect that your daughter has lied about
something, try to not confront her and require that
she admits the lie. This is likely to make her even
more defensive about it. Instead, ask indirect
questions. For example, if your daughter insists
that her class was not told in advance about a
spelling test, you can ask: “If I ask your teacher
about this tomorrow, what do you think she will
say?” and wait for your daughter to reply. You can
then choose whether to talk to the teacher or not.
If your daughter has lied, she will probably feel
very uneasy. Even if she does not admit the lie, she
will probably be much more careful about telling
similar lies in the future.
If your daughter says something that is clearly a
lie say in a calm voice that you know how difficult
it is to tell the truth sometimes, and that maybe
she didn’t manage it this time. You could say that
telling the truth is particularly difficult when you
have already said something else, and that you are
hoping that she will tell the truth later. Promise
that you are not going to blame her for lying, but
that you are going to admire how brave she will be
when she tells the truth. Then keep your promise!
I have had many conversations with children about
what makes a lie acceptable and what makes it
unacceptable. I find it a very useful conversation
to have, as some children need more help then others
to understand this. You may want to do this, in a
non-blaming, neutral way.
All this will probably not make your daughter honest
overnight, but it will help move her in the right
direction and will reduce clashes such as the one
you were describing in your question.
Good luck! |
|
| |
|
|
|
| |
|
|
